Mark Twain

the impersonation

Went to see a Mark Twain impersonator and learned a lot. A woman asked “Twain” questions and his answers were direct quotes from his various writings. Twain like Oscar Wilde is eminently quotable, so his answers were much more succinct and clever than the questions. “The difference between the right word and the almost-right word is the difference between lightning -- and lightning bug!” Smoking is not allowed in our overly civilized society, so the impersonator did not have a big lighted cigar to flourish. We heard that Twain smoked as many as 30 of the damn things every day until he developed “tobacco lung” and his doctor ordered him to cut it down to a dozen.

Twain’s story in brief is that he had a great childhood in Hannibal, lots of outdoor adventures, and then a wonderful career as a river boat pilot, according to him the most enviable job in the world, which ended when the Civil War arrived. He briefly pretended to be a soldier for the Confederacy and then avoided the war by going west, where he prospected for silver and became a journalist. He had lots of funny adventures and met a great many amusing characters. He wrote the tale about the jumping frog, became famous almost overnight, and spent the rest of his life touring the world, writing travel books, and eventually novels. These books and novels made him famous and rich. His books and his popular speaking engagements earned him a fortune, which he blew on bad investments and inventions that never quite worked.

Twain married a rich woman (lovely and kind but sickly). They had a son and three daughters. The son was sickly from the day he was born, never really thrived. One cold winter day, while Twain was taking him for a buggy ride, the kid’s legs got exposed. Twain did not notice because he was lost in a reverie. The coachman noticed the boy was exposed, the legs were tucked back beneath the blanket, but when they got home, the kid got sick and died a week or so later. Twain blamed himself. He also blamed himself for a brother’s death. The brother was on a steamship that blew up; he got badly burned and died with Twain right there beside him. Twain seemed to have a great capacity for guilt. Like lots of funny people he suffered from chronic depression. His successes -- the fame and wealth, the books and speeches, the hilarious adventures -- are undercut by these personal tragedies.

Twain took against God and lost any regard he ever had for human beings as well. Then (and now) there were plenty of reasons to think we humans are the most shameful and evil of the animals. He hated slavery and humbug, despised politicians. He was afraid to publish his darkest opinions about God and humanity, ordered them kept secret till after his death. His favorite daughter died when she was only in her young twenties. Twain was in Europe at the time, so he didn’t blame himself but grieved for the rest of his life. His wife died, another daughter died. He blamed himself for losing so much money and causing his family to worry. His only surviving daughter outlived him but never had any kids so he never had any grandchildren.

In his final years, he took to wearing the light-colored suits even in winter and liked to have innocent pleasant young women around him. He called them his “angelfish.” He died at the age of 75, one of the most famous and beloved writers in the entire world.